I read this non-fiction book at the right time.
No, I’m not dealing with either my husband’s or my own infidelity, but as a Gen X, I’m heading toward an important milestone next year. Yep, I will turn sixty.
Kate Legge is a Baby Boomer who has been forced to reaccess her life due to her former husband’s infidelity, and by doing so, philosophises on how external events shape our lives. She also asks whether defined behaviours pass down through generations.
Her ex husband came from a family of cheaters.
Legge focusses on a different family member’s betrayal, telling each story in separate chapters. They range from romantic to outright deceitful. The first tale of her husband’s grandmother has drama and beauty as we learn of her secret love. Generations on, the author’s son strays for different reasons.
Later in the book, Legge researches members of her own family, and shares memories of her parents and siblings. Although these are not tales about infidelity, they are just as intriguing. Then she turns the lens on both her life, and society in general.
There’s a lot that’s life affirming in this book.
At one point my husband thought I fell asleep on a flight home. He turned to see me staring into space after I read this passage:
“It is not our partner we are turning away from, but the person we have become.”
Here, Legge quotes from Esther Perel’s book, The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. Although my husband and I are monogamous, we’ve been tested like any couple. A younger friend keeps suggesting we should open our relationship, and we’ve all shared robust discussions for and against. Over our thirty-three years together, Warren and I have been hit on, mostly by younger men.
While learning we’re DILFs is not a lesson we were searching for, it’s a nice thing to know. Somehow, I explored Perel’s notion in one of my own novels where the main character comes to the conclusion I’ve always had. I like the age I am. I don’t need to search for my past.
Legge’s book also reaffirmed something my husband keeps saying.
Recently I’ve been disappointed in a friend for not accepting a golden job opportunity. It’s exactly what he wanted, yet he came up with unwarranted reasons not to take it. I got really angry at him because I’ve seen his potential. I wanted him to succeed and I thought a dose of tough love would work.
Warren kept telling me, it’s his life. He’s not our problem. As long as we’re happy together, that’s all that matters.
Legge comes to a similar conclusion. What’s beyond our control is something we all need to reconcile with. Friends and family are affected by circumstance, and their own decisions. Just as we are. We all must learn to dust ourselves off and move on.
I don’t read much non-fiction, but I’m glad I picked this one after seeing the author interviewed at the Sydney Writers Festival. I needed her calm contemplation as I head toward my sixties, while learning to let go.
Four stars.
kevin klehr 